Since my children could speak I’ve repeated the same mantra, “There’s no such thing as a good stepmother.” Walt Disney built a film studio based on the notion that Stepmothers are evil. I know I’m right.
I also know the mantra doesn’t qualify me as a great mother, but it secures me a spot I’m desperately searching for. Martyrdom. I’m not too worried about divorce, but should I meet an untimely end, I don’t want my kids calling someone else Mom.
Yes, I’ve heard the arguments. Yes, I realize this is selfish, foolish and I’d be dead anyhow. I don’t care, and I won’t be bothered with your logic now LeaveMeAlone. If you’re looking for further proof that I’m not interested in logic, my living will clearly states that my organs are available for harvest, but not my eyes. I am terrified that the Messiah would come and I woudn’t see him.
Shut. Up. I know.
I happen to like my step mother, so I let her be my dentist and I don’t pay my bills. Now I realize that although she clearly loves my children, and quite possibly my husband, she has an evil streak that Walt Disney warned me of.
I was there for my routine cleaning and there’s all this small talk about what pretty teeth I have, and how they’re strong with good enamel and aren’t the Grandchildren cute and all… then she runs right into, “now you just call Tracy to make an appointment for your grafting and did you know the Kosher Butcher on Pico has this really great turkey…”
What? Call Tracy for WHAT? Tracy is a surgeon who specializes in grafting.
Then she draws this picture where you take a hunk of skin out of the roof of your mouth and graft it onto your receding gumline. That’s when I whisper “What the Fuck?” I whisper because my kids are there, not because I’m concerned about her other patients. I am in total meltdown.
The Stepmother then goes on to explain how it’s typical with age, and it’s really no big deal and she’s having so much fun with Jane at their sewing class. I realize at that moment, that although she is a magnificent dentist with tiny quick hands, she is still a stepmother. Much like the bitch down the street, she has called me old, and now she’s gonna get a friend in on the act to cut my mouth open.
My sweet husband’s dream will come true. I’ll be unable to speak for at least a day. It’s a good thing too, becuase I’ve got a feeling that when I walk into Tracy’s office they’re going to ask me if I’m a member of the AARP.
Photo credit wikipedia via creative commons
21 comments… read them below or add one
I literally just laughed out loud. And I am a stepmother. Thanks!!!
I cringed a little about “not wanting your kids to call someone else mom” but it’s my issue.
Aging gracefully is I think what they call the gum graft thing.
i am a step mother who is raising my step kids, full time. i even had to plan my step daughters entire bat mitzvah, with no help from the egg donor. i have post upon post to write about this topic!
i hope…one day…to laugh about the trials and tribulations of being a step mom.
but seriously…
this was funny!!
As someone with an honest-to-Walt Evil Stepmother, I can’t argue with that.
Having had three different step-mothers Walt Disney may have known what he was talking about. :) BTW: you are still young and hip!
Here’s the deal: You knock her out and I’ll drive the getaway car. It’ll be marvelous!
Yowza. Forget the grafting. Allow the teeth to eventually fall out. That way, you can get dentures that will mimic the teeth of the famous movie star of your choice and you’ll NEVER have to visit your step-mom/dentist again! Problem solved.
This is a pretty damn good post, Jessica. I love that you are WRITING again. yay for you.
The nerve!
My daughter had this done after her braces came off. She did okay.
But watch out for that woman; next thing you know, she’ll be telling you you need an implant…
I personally love my step-mother. As much as my actual mother. In some ways, maybe a little more (if I may be permitted to suggest that’s a possibility).
But I’ll be good and damned if I left her do any grafting on me.
This says more about me than it does him, but I have no worries that any other woman will be as stupid as I was and actually marry my X!
I had to get gum grafts. I’m only 26. It SUCKS.
I always tell my husband if something happens to me, I want him to be happy and remarry – as long as she’s not younger or thinner than I.
My wife once told me that if something were to happen to her, I should remarry. I told her that I wouldn’t even think such things, but she grew insistent.
“You have to. Who will take care of you? Of the house? Of the kids?”
Finally I relented. Big mistake.
“Wait,” she said. “When you get remarried, will you sleep with her here? In our bed?”
I thought about it for a moment, and then I told her that would make sense as there was no use blowing a good bedding investment.
“And,” she went on, a bit petulantly now. “Would you let her wear my clothes?”
I reasoned that, as she would no longer need them, if there were any clothes that my new wife would be interested in, it would make sense to let her wear them.
My wife looked to our closet and eyed her brand new golf clubs. The ones I had just bought her for her birthday.
“Would you let her use my new golf clubs?” She was near tears by now thinking about how, in her mind, I had already replaced her.
“Of course I wouldn’t let her use those clubs,” I assured her. This appeared to greatly relieve my wife, and she visibly brightened. I continued, “She’s not right handed, you know.”
I am about to become a stepmother, but thankfully I am not a dentist. Nor do I do anything my child or stepchild will find remotely useful in the near future. Plus I have never heard of a graphic designer having to recommend surgery to anyone, though I think I’d relish the opportunity.
Dearest Jess, Sorry it took me so long to respond to your posting yesterday. I was busy carving your
new dentures out of wood. I called my dad, Thane,
in Kansas who is by far the expert in dentures in
our family. He says you really should just do
the graft and save your teeth.
love love love Jo P.S. Don’t forget to floss
after dinner tonight so that you can set a good
example for Alex and Jane.
LOL. I am the same way about my eyes. And I had gum grafting when I was a young sprite about your age. I’ve had worse pain.
Dental floss is your best friend. Well, after those little rubber-tipped gum massagers, “brush-picks” and a SoniCare-type toothbrush. (At least that’s what my dentist says.
OK, @stepmother’s reply is great, BUT:
BEST.COMMENT.EVER!!!: @Posol’stvo the Medved
Seriously. He needs an award for that one. ROTFLOL here.
Hm. I’m a stepmother … do I have to hate myself? Wait, on some days I already do!
Well, I am a stepmother (and a terrific one, at that). I became a stepmother before I became a mother and 20 years later, my stepchildren still talk to me regularly and buy me really good presents.
The key is to change your rhetoric just a bit. “No one will ever be a better mother to you than I am. No one will love or care for you like I do. And when you win your Oscar (Emmy, Nobel Peace Prize, whatever), you must remember to thank me first. Now let’s practice your speech.”
Sorry about the gum thing. It think it’s dentists who are evil.
Eh …
My stepmom isn’t so bad.
It gets really confusing for me.
I get really mixed signals from her!
One minute she’s all proud of me, and the next she’s angry as hell!
I love her, then I hate her, then I love her again.
And then, well I want to call her “mom”, but I feel like it would be betraying my real mom, and I don’t know what to do to make her happy!
Gah!
*Sobs*
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