I’m supposed to spend the day today talking about how Thankful I am. I’m supposed to say that it’s wondeful that Jane popped out of bed all healthy this morning, begging me to go to school.
I’m supposed to say that I’m thrilled that I can finally take a deep breath, and that my lungs are finally clearing.
I’m supposed to be grateful that I have a husband I adore, and who makes me laugh.
I barely slept last night because the steroids make me jittery, but I slept a little because of the benadryl I’m taking for the rash.
I sat downstairs on my family room sofa, shivering under a blanket and wishing I could sleep. When I lie down I literally feel like I’m drowning in my own mucus and I started to cry, then I felt congested sitting up too. And as I gasped for breath, alone on my sofa, I sobbed uncontrollably because a few weeks ago I was sitting on that sofa with Anissa. Who also cannot breathe.
I don’t feel grateful or lucky or even okay.
I feel like somehow G-d forgot about her, and like all she ever did was give of herself, oh except on the days when she gave a little more.
So I’m sorry if I can’t be all sparkly today, but I’m finally not sick and maybe a little more in touch with my feelings than we’d all like. And well, I’m having a crisis of faith.
It’s easy to have right now. It’s just wrong.
8 comments… read them below or add one
yeah. it is.
Oh, Jessica. Sounds like you have good reason to feel that way.
I know how you feel. I’ve spent the last several days in the Phoenix Children’s Hospital with my 3yr old. She was just diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. I wondered why God would allow such an active, happy, vibrant little thing go through the pain of this disease. I cried as I tweeted out the news relating to anyone reading how overwhelmed and alone I felt. I held her little bruised IV stabbed hand and told her how sorry I was she was sick and how much I loved her.
And now… as of an hour ago… we are home. She’s in her own bed… napping. And I’m crying for a different reason. I wasn’t so alone after all. While I felt so lost and hopeless… hundreds of people cared enough to share their love and support and advice. A few personally stopped by with gifts and hugs… people I’ve never met in my life.
So although I felt so thankless 4 days ago… as of an hour ago… I can look back and really be thankful for so many things.
Thank you for this post.
xo
Kelly
I’m thankful that your daughter has such a wonderful family and that modern medicine will benefit her so.
I’m thankful for that, Kelly.
I’m so sorry for your sadness and that of everyone else who loves Anissa Mayhew so much.
Jessica, I don’t know Anissa, but she sounds like one of those so rare people who we all aspire to be. And I don’t know why unspeakable things happen to the most beautiful and undeserving among us. All I can tell you is that probably millions are praying for her and her family, and that you are loved. Hope you feel better soon.
Jessica, I’m a friend of Heather’s. If you can’t feel thankful just now, at least feel hopeful – a little bit – okay? http://www.hope4peyton.org/2009/faith/ I don’t know Anissa either – well, except that I found her husband’s posts, and learned a little bit about her and her family, thanks to you. It looks like Anissa is making progress. It may be slow, but there may be much to be thankful for – just around the corner.
I am sorry you are hurting today. Wishing you a measure of peace.